Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
