two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
