if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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