Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my being single is dangerous.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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