He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
