She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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