We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
