They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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