But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
