I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
