What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
