There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
BRING THE BAGELS
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
