dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
