C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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