That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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