He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
