I think my fart just growled at me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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