I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
