It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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