I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Are my feet made of real feet?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Let's paint friendship bongs
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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