I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
