Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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