By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
