I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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