I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
