Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
