You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
