So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
