Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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