so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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