Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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