i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
