I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
