Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
FUCK WHALES
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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