Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
