First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
