How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
