I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
