Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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