A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
