you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
