new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
