I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
