I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I did not marry a roomba.
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