No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
