if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
