Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
