I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
