I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
