I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
