i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
