I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
