I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
