If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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