the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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